My previous post really stirred up my emotions.
It’s been tough to write this for two reasons – my anger is getting in the way and so is my disinterest in admitting how I allowed myself to be controlled. Plus I’m not sure which is stronger – my anger at myself for letting it happen or my anger toward my ex-wife.
I can remember being glad my (then) wife was able to breast feed our son because I was concerned she would beat herself up about it if she had any problem.
But now I’m wondering if it would have been better if she hadn’t been able to breast feed or if she at least had not been able to produce as much as she wanted. It’s almost a year after the doctor talked to her about how breast feeding overnight is not good for his teeth, which she had already known, and he is still being breast fed even though it is well past his third birthday.
I think breast feeding is good. But I would not use the word gold to refer to breast milk. And I didn’t lose sleep worrying if he would stop if he was ever fed by a bottle. And I would not have lost sleep if he had been unable to breast feed.
I remember feeling bad that I couldn’t feed my son myself when my (then) wife was sick or sleeping because she had not pumped (we had a pump).
The most difficult for me to admit is that I didn’t object when I was told we could not even discuss the topic of breast feeding – with her jumping to a statement that if her dad had ever suggested her mom stop breast feeding, her mom would have left. So much for living in a democracy. Discussion was not allowed. It wasn’t just that I didn’t have any say in any related action, but I wasn’t even allowed to say what I thought. She didn’t even know my opinions because she wouldn’t allow me to say them.
And I put up with that, which now makes me sad and angry at myself.
But also hopeful. I have learned not to put up with being treated that way.